The Bachelor Party
by galatic platypus
Summary: On the night before her wedding, Rose Tyler is left a series of messages on her answering machine from her alien fiance, The Doctor. Total crack, and semi-Au-ish. Read at your own risk!


_You have… fifteen unheard messages. First unheard message, sent yesterday at 6:03 pm._

"Hey, Rose, it's me. Jack's just come to pick me up; he's arranged a stag party for me. Why's it called a stag party, anyway? Why not a 'Dear God I'm Getting Married Help Me' party? Not that… I think I need help. I'll try to be home by a decent hour. See you tomorrow."

_End of message. Next unheard message, sent yesterday at 6:57 pm._

"Rose, hi honey, it's your sweetheart, and it turns out Jack is fan-_taaaaastic_ at throwing parties. They even have banana daiquiris! I told him, didn't I, always have bananas at parties, they're brilliant, he's brilliant, but _you_, you are _beyond_ brilliant, and I think you're…. brilliant.

"I think that sentence… got away from me… Anyway, I'm not drunk, I swear, and I'll still be home at a recent hour. Recent? No, decent hour, although I could be home at a recent hour if you wanted me to… 'Cos I have a super-duper time machine. Anyway, bye, I'll call you later!"

_End of message. Next unheard message, sent yesterday at 7:28pm._

"Rose, I've just realized, that you, are incredibly, sexy. Very much. Yes. Jack thinks so too but I told him you're my sexy wife tomorrow and not his, and he said why does that matter, so I … punched him. A little. Anyway, you gorgeous woman, I may have had a few more banana daiquiris but not that many, and did you know that Mickey can dance? It's brilliant, he does this thing, it's been years since I saw someone do that, where he looks like he's walking forward, but he walks _backwards!_ It's _fantastic_, and you are incredibly sexy, I just rememebered again, and I can't _wait_ to see you tomorrow. Bye!"

_End of message. Next unheard message, sent yesterday at 8:11pm._

"Hi Rose! Jack got me a cake, it's giant, I can't even tell what kind of cake it is, I wonder how they're even going to cut it, it's so huge, and they're playing music, it's weird music…

"…

"Rose, I'm going to tell you this now, so that I don't have to tell you later, and a lady just came out of the cake. It wasn't really a cake… Anyway, the lady, she's not really… wearing much. And that crash was because I… fell out of my chair. While I had my eyes closed, because I wasn't looking, I promise, because I love you more than the whole universe, you sexy thing, I really do!

"I did see her without her clothes. A bit. Just a bit.

"…

"Jack made me do it."

"Is that Rose? Say hi! Hi, Rose!"

"Ja-aaack, it's_ my _sexy wife, and my phone call, and - ooh, banana daiquiri….."

_End of message. Next unheard message, sent yesterday at 8:32pm._

"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around, desert youuuuuuuuuu, 'cos you are brilliant and sexy and gorgeous and –

"Never gonna make you cry, never gonna saaaaaaaaay goodbye, never tell a lie and hurt youuuuuuu, 'cos you are my Rosie, and I adore you, yeah?"

"Stop improvising, man!"

_End of message. Next unheard message, sent yesterday at 8:49pm._

"Roooooose, I have a super-duper time machine, and I couldn't decide where to have to honeymoon, so I picked everywhere. Twice! Okay, pack lots of clothes, bye!"

_End of message. Next unheard message, sent yesterday at 8:51pm._

"Don't pack too many clothes, okay? Okay, bye!"

_End of message. Next unheard message, sent yesterday at 10:13pm._

"Rose, I gave Lucy some money, to let her buy some clothes, but I didn't look at her! At all! WELL, just once. WELL, a bit more than once. Jack made me, and you are still super amazing sexy awesome hot, okay? I can't wait to go to, _ummm_, I don't r'memmmmber what it's called, but clothes aren't allowed by law, so,

"Anyway, I made a new friend, his name is Stanley, and he gave me this thing called a screwdriver, it wa'n't sonic, but it was good, it was a drink, but it was just a screwdriver, not sonic, and it was good, so I had about… seven. Well, seventeen. Well….

"….

"Yeah."

_End of message. Next unheard message, sent yesterday at 11:45pm._

"ROSE, I haven't called you in FOREVER, and I MISS YOU and I am calling to tell you that I love you because you are extremely hot and not even my Tardis compares to you, although she is quite sexy.

"AND I haven't told you in like five hours that I love you, and also, Lucy kissed me, but only on the cheek, a little! Well….

"….

"Jack's fault, bye!"

_End of message. Next unheard message, sent today at 12:08am._

"I miss you, and I haven't seen you in seven hours and four minutes and sixteen seconds, and I can't WAIT to see you tomorrow, and screwdrivers – that aren't sonic - make my head hurt and you are brilliant, you are, and I thought I was going to come home but it turns out Jack has hid my key!

"So I'm staying for a while, but when I see you, I'm going to kiss you, yes, I am, because you are…

"Shexy."

_End of message. Next unheard message, sent today at 3:19am._

"Rooooooooose! I love you. Sooooooo much. I'm serious here, really. Ever since I firs' saw you're beautiful—

"Hey, buddy! Get off the floor!"

"Eh, SHADDUP! I am— The Doc-tor. I can _lay around_ wherever the heck. I. Want. Aaaaaaanyway… Rose? Y' there still? 'Cuz I love you, babe, Rosie-Posie pudding and pie…

"Lots of pie.

"Weeeeeeellllllllll…. Stanley and his mates are havin' buckets of fun with the—Ooooh…. they broke it… Ehhh, it was a few…. Hundred… centuries too early anyhoo….

"Lucy says 'Hi!' Ooh! Ooh! I invited her t' th' wedding. Iddn' tha' wonderful? Molto bene! Grande festa! Haha, that's the language of looooooove. That and the language of the Tigrobees. They have, get this, over five million different words for 'love' and no word for anything else, except for 'telemarketer', which they call 'idiotwithnolife'

"Anyhoo. I love you. Yes I do. Emmmm…. I dunno what else rhymes with that….

"I love you, you gosh-darn, kick-in-the-mouth, drop-dead, I-better-make-a-run-for-it, Godzilla-attack, heart-stoppingly gorgeous and sexy-super-fine thing of mine! Ta-ta…"

_End of message. Next message, sent today at 4:49am._

"Hey, babe. I'm headin' up the stairs now. I'm sorry I'm late. I had to fix Stanley's car. He 'n' Lucy eloped! Iddnat brilliant? Yeah… Well, so I'm definitely hung over. Not dead, just hung over. But it'll be all right. I'll eat some onions... Issa Time Lord thing…

"Goodnight."

_End of message._

_8:45 AM_

Rose stared at her phone, bewildered. Where was the Doctor? He should have been in by now. She hauled herself out of bed and stumbled into the kitchen for some coffee. To her surprise, her soon-to-be husband was sitting calmly at the table, one elbow resting on his knee, eating an onion like an apple.

"Feeling alright, then?" she asked, not sure whether to be amused or annoyed.

"Yeah, fine. Good morning," he replied cheerfully. "Had a bit a headache, thought I'd have an onion."

"How was the party?" Rose asked, as if she didn't already know. In much detail.

"Party?" he repeated, blinking. "What party? Sorry, did I miss something? I must have gone to sleep early last night."

"No… it's nothing." Rose pulled out her phone and hastily saved his messages. They were going to be great blackmail one day. "Is there really a planet where clothes are illegal?"

The Doctor choked.


End file.
